Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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