Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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