someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
