Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
