A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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