pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
