I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
