I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
