I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
