if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You are the jesus of drinking
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
