call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
