He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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