Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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