so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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