I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sorry about my life...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
