Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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(408): View more from California

My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

This ER has an aquarium in it!!!

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(702): View more from Nevada

Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me

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