Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
