Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
