Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
