Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
