Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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