I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
