I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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