take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
