the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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