my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
