I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
