Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
