Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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