I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
