he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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