he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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