i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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