someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
