i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
