I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
