if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
