I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
