i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
