I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
