"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
