I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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