I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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