onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
