My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
nutella sex= disaster
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
