bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
