And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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