im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
