Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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