I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
