it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
false alarm. still invincible.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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