Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
